I was smiling, but inside I was falling apart. I tried to pretend that nothing was wrong while my world crumbled all around me….I was twenty years old and freshly divorced. I had been pressured into a marriage that I never wanted, but chose to accept because I was afraid to disappoint everyone around me. And then I was scandalized by a divorce that sent shockwaves throughout my entire family.
I swallowed in the shame of my failure. I worried for my future. I had fallen down the rabbit hole of depression and didn’t know if there was a way out…. Disappointment in life is inevitable. We disappoint others and most of all, we disappoint ourselves. We torture ourselves physically because it’s the most effective way to punish ourselves emotionally. I deprived myself with one starvation diet after another. I denied my emotions. I blamed myself and was barely surviving. And there I stood with a fake smile on my face. That’s when it hit me—all of my self-inflicted misery came with no benefit. It wasn’t helping anyone. Not myself, not the people I thought I failed, no one. I could continue to destroy myself or I could find a way out of the black hole I was living in. I understood that in order for my life to change, I had to transform.
One day, I set aside my usual self-destruction and decided to go jogging. Soon after that I found myself running everyday. While I was running, I would keep thinking about my present life, and what my future holds. I kept worrying about my future. Then eventually, I stopped and noticed that I was living in my past and that I no longer can live there. I had realized now that I was going to have to make some uncomfortable choices in order to transform my life around from feeling pity and weak emotionally and mentally, to an empowered and courageous person living a happy healthy life.
I started taking care of my body and treating myself with love instead of doling out punishment. We often deny ourselves forgiveness for our failures, and that changes who we are. We destroy our bodies, and our souls suffer in the process. But it doesn’t have to be this way….
I was finally able to climb out of the depths of despair, and I learned to love myself unconditionally, and feel confidence.
I never felt so good in my own skin…..
I wake up happy every day with a mindful approach for my daily life. And yet I look around me and see the familiar misery in others that I once harbored within myself… and I know I can help. I feel your pain because I have been there. You know my story, now let me hear yours.